Sunday, January 24, 2010

Holding...

I'm experiencing a feeling that I haven't had in quite a while. A feeling of holding steady that oddly feels like progress. When the sky is black and the flying monkeys are out in full force my tendency is to just keep my head down and push through. Due to the mellowing influence of The Missus I even manage to keep the dramatic outbursts to a minimum. But it wears on a guy after a while.

Work is just insane. I couldn't possibly relate the insanity so it's not even worth trying except to say that if you ever are interested in loosing your mind go get hired as an electrician and then volunteer to be the guy who polices the efforts of 120 workmen to renovate a high rise while keeping the parts with patients Martha Stuart clean. Meh, enough of that, it's the weekend.

So I've already had a week this year when I put nearly a hundred hours on the clock. And had a stretch of three weeks without a break. And the whole rest of my family has been sick. And my truck got robbed. But then overnight something shifted...

I had a bar gig last night. The band wasn't terrible. Ran into half a dozen people I haven't seen in years. Found out I have a fan club. Ate free wings. Got paid. I hit the sack at 5 am and when The Missus woke me up to go to church everything just felt better somehow. I drank my coffee, I soaked up church. The kids are slightly less nutty, the baby is eating and sleeping normally again, and The Missus is back to dishing out snappy answers again.

I went from feeling like there was only so much more of this that I could endure to feeling like I could manage indefinitely if this feeling will just persist. Likely it has a lot to do with disconnecting from work in less time than it takes to punch the time clock. (Swwwwwwwipe! Ahhhhhhhh! Job? What job?)

So while I go about my business today, making ready for my daughter's seventh birthday, I plan on stopping frequently. I'm going to memorize this feeling. I'm filling a mental notebook with snapshots and scribbling furiously in the margins so I can pull it out on Wednesday morning. (Jokes about alcoholism are only good for about two days of "making it through".)

Right now, God is in His heaven, and the world turns a little more slowly here on Church Street for a change.

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I needed this today, so thanks.
I've been there and I know the feeling you're talking about but lately for me it's been lying just a bit too far below the surface so even in the rare moments that I can access it, I can only hold on to it briefly before the stress of reality buries it deep again.

I had a eureka moment years back - on a fishing boat with marty and michael, actually, just at dawn in the middle of a wonderfully peaceful lake - about how life is truely about the little moments and adventures that make you feel so blessed and grateful and that all the work and bullshit and struggles to make ends meet that dominate one's life are really just the dues you pay to get yourself from one of these moments to the next. If you're lucky, they come often. If you're really lucky, you can make them happen.

I have been unemployed for over 3 months now. The obvious issue, of course, is that we are financially drained. But also important to me is that I'm not doing anything useful and I'm the kind of person that thrives on using my skills. So it's taking its toll on me.

But thank you for your post because today I will attack the job listings with renewed vigour and a feeling of invincibility because I will do so knowing that I am blessed with a wonderful family and friends, an incredible husband, and all those mental snapshots to recall. I will remember that this is just part of paying my dues to get to the next great adventure and it will be worth it.

-bridget