Monday, April 6, 2009

Aren't There Any Parents Around Here?

I'm that guy. I'm so that guy who through his inattentiveness allows his children to become scarred.

Deep breath...

And so it came to pass that The Missus took little E and Sis fabric shopping and left me with the two mid-sized members of the troop. I had promised J-Man that he could watch Hoodwinked clips on YouTube till his eyes bled if he would just finish his dinner and whaddaya know? The little guy held me to it.

It's not a difficult exercise. The Short People are more than willing to stare at a screen of any size, from my iPod on up. Just plunk em down at the computer, type in "Schnitzel" and off we go. J-Man takes the helm after that and the clips just keep on coming.

I should pause now and bring you up to date on the whole YouTube debacle that's happening at our house. Harken back with me if you will to a time last weekend when J-Man and I were perusing the cartoon fare and stumbled on to one that looked like fun. A cute little cartoon monkey and a cute little cartoon dude. It started and for some reason the scenery was mostly disabled military vehicles. No matter, we press on. Within fifteen seconds those two were in a raging battle and before you can say schnitzel that little monkey bastard cut off the dude's hand! We "ex-ed it out" right away and went on to do other things but that severed hand haunted the little fella for quite a few days.

The Missus and I had agreed that the kids were not to watch YouTube unsupervised and so I was just puttering around in the background and assisting with the selections. Pretty soon J-Man had stumbled on these montages of scenes from the movie, overdubbed with pop music. (BTW he also watched seven clips of a Spanish language kids show and a Dora The Explora
montage dubbed with the audio from a Pirates of the Caribbean trailer. Holy crap was that funny!) Easy pickins for the Media Supervisor. Annoying pop song ends, peep head into room and make sure next clip is more of same.

It went on like that for about twenty minutes and then I peeped around and caught sight of a monkey and a snake on the screen. As I stepped into the room the cute little snake wrapped itself three times around the cute little monkey. I took a step closer and the cute little snake started squeezing the life out of the cute little monkey. The cute little monkey started screaming. In the time it took for me to fly across the room the cute little snake plunged itself through the cute little monkey's ears and caused its eyeballs to pop out and bounce out of the frame.

God I SUCK!

Glancing quickly at the progress bar and realizing with horror that we were only halfway through it I opened my mouth only to see that J-Man was already hunting for the X with the mouse. He stood up silently on the computer chair and said, "I want to go to bed now" (For those of you not familiar with the little fella's habits that's like Eminem saying he wants to go to church.) Then there was a lot of crying and H-Bomb started crying because the movie got turned off and me fumbling for something, anything to change the subject.

Fortunately there was the Bill & Opus Christmas Special DVD close at hand and that held their rapt attention until I could prep for bedtime. J-Man was way ready for that and kept bursting into tears but he made it all right. As I snuggled him under his covers, freshly recovered from a tickle battle with his stuffed elephant, he looked like he was ready to sleep the sleep of the just.

As I look back over it all it could have been way worse. There's all manner of nonsense that he could have stumbled on that might have lead him to do all manner of real-life nonsense. I imagine him catching an episode of Jackass and trying out his bwanket as a parachute. In a way though I'm kind of glad that he'll be a little afraid of the computer. I'm thinking that he's not going to go near YouTube without a grownup nearby from now on. And that is the kind of behavior we want folks. Having seen the kids who lead sheltered lives go off to college and get addicted to crack and knocked up, I don't feel so bad that he had a little bit of a scary experience.

Damn that monkey though. Damn his eyes!

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5 comments:

Pamela said...

monkeys. you just can't trust them.

mo.stoneskin said...

Mate when mine are old enough to watch and navigate Youtube it will freak me out.

Your description of the monkey severed hand scene made me laugh. Ah well.

You sayin' Eminem doesn't go to church?

Irish Gumbo said...

"Schnitzel" keeps me entertained for hours, too! Welcome to the club, J-man!

So far, Wee Lass has only seen Spongebob and the "PeanutButterJellyTime" dancing banana clips on YouTube. And that's my fault...sigh...

She hasn't gotten savvy to how to find them yet without a grownup around. Hmm...I'll have to save that monkey and snake thing just in case I need a deterrent.

Funny post, bro. Just what the doctor ordered this morning! :)

Jill said...

Totally catch on with the bein freaked out thing, we watched a special on PBS the other night about a fella getting caught in some freak storm out in Colorado and all the trees fell down. Hayden hasn't sleeped good since then. Last night he woke up cryin that his bunk beds was fallin over. I'm scared to let them watch anything on UTube, but I think we have watched laughing baby videos there pretty funny.

steenky bee said...

What if he would have come across some uncoordinated dancing? He'd be scarred for like and probably develop that white man overbite. Watch him closely. My son once saw me watching that clip of Footloose where Kevin Bacon shadow-boxes slash dances and it's ruined him for life. My Henry's also pretty psyched that those evil kids won in the end and were able to hold their "devil dance" prom after all.

Little known, or cared about fact; Footloose was filmed here in Utah. The mill where Kevin does his dancing to let off some steam is only 30 minutes from the Steenky house. Please ignore this information if I've told you all this before. I try to act like I don't really care about the fact that Kevin Bacon once was minutes from my house, but in all reality, I think it's coolio.